This chapter commences the results of David’s sin and the outcome of Nathan’s condemnation and prophecy about his family calamities.
David’s children Absalom and Tamar were born to his marriage to Maacah, the daughter of Talmai, king of Geshur (see chapter 3), and Amnon was born to his wife Ahinoam a Jezreelitess. Amnon was David’s eldest and thus first in line to the throne. Amnon loved his sister Tamar who was lovely and beautiful. He was love-sick over her, and she was a virgin. (v1,2)
Leviticus 18 lays down laws of sexual morality – v11 He was precluded from having his father’s wife’s daughter. She is your sister. So, your half-sister who is your father’s child even though his wife is not your mother is to be looked upon as your sister. They have the same father, and her body is not your domain, and you have no rights over it. So far as God was concerned Amnon and Tamar were brother and sister even though they had different mothers. If Tamar had been born before Amnon’s father (David) had married her she wouldn’t have been his sister.
In the days in which we live Leviticus 18 is very pertinent and a useful guide to permitted relationships. It also covers homosexual and lesbian relationships and quite clearly forbids them.
Amnon longed for her, but he could not marry her because she was his half-sister even though she was a virgin and
therefore, available for marriage. Names usually have meanings and Tamar meant ‘Palm tree’ signifying fruitfulness, Absalom – ‘his father’s peace’; Amnon- ‘Faithful, stable’ but sadly none of them lived up to their names. Amnon was so infatuated he needed help, and as usual, even today, there is always someone who will tell us what we want to hear. Amnon’s friend was Jonadab, the son of Shemesh, David’s brother. He was a crafty man and asked Amnon why he was so distressed. Amnon told him, and Jonadab told him to lie on his bed and pretend to be ill, and when David came to him to ask him to send Tamar with some food and to prepare it before him (v3-5).
As I said, there is always one who will tell us what we want to hear. Jonadab was Amnon’s cousin but obviously not the best sort of friend to have. He was a crafty and wicked schemer. Amnon’s ‘love’ was really ‘lust’ as events will show. Jonadab comes along and rationalises – ‘Look if you lover her, have her; you are in love with her and, you are the king’s son, do what you want.’
We still have this today. We are told to be ourselves, do what comes naturally, that’s the way we are made (even by God) and God’s laws are old fashioned, and we live in an enlightened age. Those people are not always non-Christians, sadly some Christians will tell us that, and God has made us the way we are and even determined us to be, so we can do nothing about it. We have to live with it and if you love someone get on with it, no matter what. To me this is gross sin.
Amnon heeds him and carries out the wicked plan and pretends to be ill so that he can be alone with Tamar and force himself on her (v6-10). When David came to see him, he asked for Tamar to come and bake some cakes for him and feed him. She was evidently a good cook and baker. It seems that David was very indulgent with his children and was generally soft with them and failed in his fatherly duties. He didn’t discipline them as he should. It appears that he was too preoccupied with being king, ruling, may even have been on the run from Saul part of the time depending on when his children had been born.
Whether unsuspecting or naïve David sent for Tamar, so she came and baked cakes in his sight. Amnon refused to eat them until she had sent everyone out of the room. Then requesting her to bring the cakes to his bedroom he went on to rape her. Rape is unlawful sexual intercourse without the other person’s consent.
Tamar did not consent and pleaded with Amnon not to violate her for it was an outrageous thing and something not to be done in Israel. She pleaded for her dignity and told him that he would be a fool. She even asked him to speak to the king and he would give her to him even though it was against the law. Maybe she thought the king had broken God’s law with Bathsheba, he might weaken again, or it could have been delaying tactic. Amnon would not listen and raped her. (v12-14)
We said before that it was not out of love that Amnon wanted her but lust, and that is clear from v15. After the act he hated her with as much hatred as he had said he loved her. This usually happens when one has violated another, the so-called love turns to hatred. Amnon was a brute and Tamar’s speech was quite tender.
‘When men yield to irregular passion, they go from one extreme to the other – from wicked love to wicked hate. If women would but realise this, how often it would save them from lives of misery. To yield to a man’s impulse is not to secure his loyalty, but to alienate and perhaps destroy it.’ (F.B.Meyer)
Amnon told her to go from the house, but that would put her in greater jeopardy as it would appear that she had prostituted herself. (v16)
Amnon would not listen to her and instructed one of his men to put her out and bolt the door.
A child will often copy his/her parent’s behaviour and whilst we never read that David raped a woman, he had wrongful desires and often determined to fulfil them, as he had done with Bathsheba.
We have often done Marriage Preparation Courses for those in our church wishing to get married. We always stress that they must never go to bed with or have sex with their boyfriend/girlfriend until they are married. There are several good words of advice on this matter, none better than from Chuck Smith (Pastor of Calvary Church) “Let me give a friendly, fatherly tip to all of you young girls, who may be in the position of Tamar, in that you have some fellow who is really pressing hard to have sex with you. He is the soul of kindness. He is very attentive. He calls all the time. He opens the door for you. He brings you flowers, but he’s pushing hard for a sexual relationship. Don’t give in. If you really love him, make him wait until you’re married. If he really loves you, he will. Over, and over, time and again, the fellow will press and press until he has taken you to bed, and that’s the last you see or hear from him. You’re no longer a challenge. He’s conquered, and he’s off for new conquests. If you really love him and want him, make him wait. If you really love God, and love yourself, make him wait.”
It is said that Tamar was now condemned to live the life of ‘a desolate woman’ because she was disqualified from royal marriage as she was no longer a virgin. Amnon could have married her or paid her bride price to redeem the situation in accordance with Exodus 22:16,17 or Deuteronomy 22:28,29, but he did not because he now hated her.
Tamar was distressed, she had a coat of many colours which indicated privilege. She put ashes on her head – a form of repentance, and tore her robe, and laid her hand on her head, and went away crying out loud (v19) she did not hide what had happened to her.
Amnon may have thought that he had got away with his despicable deed, but Absalom seemed to realise straight away and asked Tamar if Amnon was the culprit (v20), and tried to offer her some comfort and said, “Don’t take this to heart”. How often can we be guilty of saying such platitudes? This was a serious situation which she faced and to say in effect ‘Don’t worry’ was cold comfort.
When David was informed, he was angry (v21), and rightfully so, but sadly he did nothing about it. He did nothing about protecting Tamar and he should have dealt severely with Amnon but apparently, he did not, perhaps because of his own guilt in his dealings with Bathsheba and Uriah. Some might say, how can a father discipline his children when he knows that he has done worse than they? Nevertheless, parents must discipline their children, “Spare the rod and spoil the child”.
The Bible says,
“He who spares his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him promptly”. (Proverbs 13:24);
“The rod and rebuke give wisdom, But a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.” (Proverbs 29:15)
“Correct your son, and he will give you rest; Yes, he will give delight to your soul.” (Proverbs 29:17)
Right at the start, this is not talking about violence, cruelty and abuse, but discipline.
Liberal and non-biblical persons would misuse this to say you should never beat with a rod, it is cruel and abusive. It has become illegal to smack a child in some countries and even when not illegal, children have been taken from parents into local authority care where parents have, in the authorities’ opinion, over-disciplined their children.
Some people believe in discipline, but not in physical discipline such as smacking. The Bible is the final word on what is truth, and it is not merely opinion or theory. The word rod usually indicates a thin stick that can be used to give a small amount of physical pain with no lasting physical injury. Some of us can probably remember the cane at school. I never received it but was threatened with it once or twice. I did receive, very rarely, a slipper across my leg at infants or junior school. At home it would have been ‘the belt’ and perhaps the only time I recall was when my mother caught me smoking! I was thirteen at the time and I can tell you it did the trick; I have never had even the slightest inclination to do it since.
A child should never be bruised, injured, or cut by a physical correction. The Bible warns that parents should never abuse the power and authority they have over their children while they are young because it provokes the children to righteous anger (Ephesians 6:4; Colossians 3:21). Physical discipline must always be done in love, never as a vent to the parent’s anger or frustration. It is just one part of discipline and should be used when the child shows defiance to a clear limit, or very serious behaviour and not in the heat of the moment.
It is difficult to exercise discipline when we are guilty of doing the same thing. The often-used phrase is “Do as I say, not as I do.” However, we should think very carefully about our own actions before condemning them in others, particularly our children and it really should be an exercise in our own behaviour so as to set an example.
This may have been the case with David. However, in the case of Eli, the priest of God, it is unlikely to be so, but merely an overindulgence towards his sons -in 1 Samuel 2:22-25 “Now Eli was very old; and he heard everything his sons did to all Israel, and how they lay with the women who assembled at the door of the tabernacle of meeting. So he said to them, “Why do you do such things? For I hear of your evil dealings from all the people. No, my sons! For it is not a good report that I hear. You make the Lord’s people transgress. If one man sins against another, God will judge him. But if a man sins against the Lord, who will intercede for him?” Nevertheless, they did not heed the voice of their father, because the Lord desired to kill them. He appeared to be quite pathetic in disciplining his sons in that they took no notice of him. Perhaps he had left it too late!
‘It was David’s duty, as her (Tamar’s) father, to punish the evildoer. The law enjoined the penalty of death for such an offence, (Leviticus 18:9; Leviticus 18:29) But David’s hands were not clean. He had himself incurred the same penalty and could not condemn in another what he had condoned in himself.’ (F.B.Meyer)
David had confessed his sin before God and been forgiven, there is however, no apparent repentance on his children’s part for their sin, so, I suggest, he has to leave it to God, or urge his children to repent as he had done.
We are to exercise justice and condemn sin and punish it, but we must offer the mercy of Almighty God, who will pardon upon confession of sin. As we have said elsewhere, even though there is God’s forgiveness, we usually have to bear the consequences and scars. God is not ‘soft on sin’. It cost The LORD Jesus His life on the cross, but He does offer forgiveness on the basis of His perfect sacrifice for sin. Salvation was indeed very costly, so let us not cheapen it and think we can live as we like.
However, in David’s situation, maybe as he did nothing himself, his son Absalom took it into his own hands to do something. Although Absalom never spoke to Amnon about this, he hated Amnon deeply because of what he had done to his sister. Absalom had not forgotten and no doubt, his plan was festering and around two years later at sheep-shearing time he invited all the king’s sons to a feast. He invited his father David, but he mdeclined and accordingly Absalom asked his father to send Amnon instead and the king asked “Why?” Absalom had a plan and an evil one at that. (v24-26)
After much persuading David allowed all his sons to attend the invitation. Absalom prepared a feast fit for a king (v27) He told his men to wait until Amnon got drunk and then he would signal for them to kill him (v28). Amnon was murdered and the other sons of the king fled. (v29) The servants were somewhat reticent, but Absalom assured them it was his command, and they should not be afraid and be very courageous.
Absalom’s intent was twofold, threefold even, he was getting revenge for the rape of his sister Tamar, but also, he was getting rid of the next in line to be king by killing his half-brother, who was first in line. He was also rebelling against his father. Absalom, like his father, was handsome and popular, but he was not a man after God’s heart as his father was.
It is interesting to note the methods used – getting Amnon drunk, reminiscent of his father getting Uriah drunk; persuading his father to send Amnon to a feast, just like Amnon getting his father to send Tamar in to feed him. The same cunning permeated the family, like father like sons.
This was part of the prophecy of Nathan stating God’s promise that the sword would not depart from his house (12:10). Whilst David was pardoned by God, he reaps what he had sown and in these and ensuing verses his household was troubled. Sadly, David perhaps guilt-ridden can only watch his family falling apart around him.
Sin often leaves scars, some which cannot be eradicated. Forgiveness is sure but consequences still appear and this especially so with sexual sins, which are sins against and outside the body.
As the other sons were on their way back home, a message reached David that all his sons had been killed by Absalom (v30) and on hearing that David tore his clothes and threw himself on the ground in mourning. His advisers joined him in mourning and sorrow with torn clothes.
Jonadab, of all men, (v32) who was son of David’s brother and who had been Amnon’s wicked adviser, then comes in to tell David that only Amnon was dead. He said that it was fine because only Amnon was dead, killed by his own half-brother, Absalom. Hardly a matter which a father wouldn’t take to heart, as Jonadab suggested. Apparently Jonadab was trying to curry favour with the king after he had probably set the whole thing in motion by suggesting how Amnon could seduce Tamar. He even says that Absalom had been planning this since Ammon raped Tamar. Even Absalom taking revenge on Amnon did not change Tamar’s position. It was no help to her, purely for Absalom’s own ends. Revenge never solves a problem. It is not for us to take such actions. Vengeance belongs to God; He says that He will repay. Never think about taking revenge.
‘The punishment of sin is much swifter and more certain than many seem to suppose not only in the next life, but also in this. We need not climb the throne to exercise vengeance. That is God’s prerogative, and it is carried out by the inevitable working of law. What a man sows, he is invariably called to reap.’ (F.B.Meyer)
What a disintegrated family. Some would say that David was the cause of it by is own actions and inactivity in disciplining his children. He was grieved and rightly so at the death of his eldest son. (v30-36)
Absalom managed to escape to his grandfather, Talmai son of Amminihud, the king of Geshur. David mourns for Amnon, but he is glad his other sons return. He is comforted over the death of Amnon, however, there is one still missing. Three years have passed while Absalom is staying at his grandfather’s, and despite what has gone before, David still longs for Absalom. Maybe he now recognised his own failings and traits in his sons, particularly Absalom (v37-39). He must tread very carefully and not overindulge him.
